Before You Japa, Think Well About Your Marriage
I must admit that this topic has been overstressed. It is possible that I might have nothing new to tell you. But regardless, I will offer fresh insights. Marriage, child development, family life, religion and politics are topics I am very passionate about. I am of the belief that if we get it right at the family phase, we will raise good children who will, in turn, make our society a better place. Due to my background in psychology, I have read hundreds of clinical formulation documents of mental health patients. One common factor mostly stands out – broken homes.
The weather is so cold. Two lonely and bored people of the opposite s*x decide to meet up. The s*x was so sweet that it caused an eruption of oxytocin in the woman. It felt good like nicotine, and she asked for more. She thought it was love and got carried away till she fell pregnant. Both parties are unaware of the sacrificial and torrid journey of parenthood. When stress and responsibilities kick in, they hurriedly part ways. The child accidentally becomes a burden both parties seek phantom happiness in different directions.
I believe it’s harder to keep your family together abroad. The causal factors are multi-factorial and multi-dimensional. I will try to simplify my view and make it relatable. In Nigeria and Africa as a whole, the roles of a man and a woman in marriage are well-defined in an unwritten form. The man makes the money, and the woman manages the home. Even when they both work, the man is in the deep end, while the woman surveys the riverbank. If they are in mainstream work together, they employ domestic staff and bring in family members to fill the vacuum. This is when you have the financial wherewithal, though. In the UK, for example, both parties see themselves as equals. The only task a man can not do in marriage is to breastfeed a baby or menstruate on behalf of the woman. Equality is so emphasised that some women now position themselves on top of men during s*x. I have nothing against marriage equality, but I know there are some household chores women are naturally wired to manage effectively.
Women are more comfortable with childcare than men. Women struggle in some physically demanding jobs like construction, working as a warehouse picker, in medium or high secure mental facilities, amongst others.
From my observation, most women struggle to dip their hands into their pockets to sort their bills. On the other hand, a responsible man is a provider by nature. If the principles of division of labour and specialisation are practised, couples can manage tasks which they can perfectly execute.
If your marriage is in crisis in Nigeria, there is better support from your immediate environment. Your neighbours who hear you yelling at your wife would intervene and try to settle the dispute amicably. Religious leaders, parents, friends, colleagues at work and other parties will be scheming to seek a peaceful resolution to the present dispute. Meanwhile, in the UK, there is little or no support. If you loudly quarrel with your wife in an apartment building, the neighbours might never approach you except if they want to caution/warn you. Most times, they might call the police right away in case somebody’s life is in danger.
The police are not trained to settle marital disputes. They will opt for the safest option of physical separation. They will mandate the man to leave and encourage both parties to press charges against each other if physical abuse or exploitation had taken place. This will leave an indelible mark on the marriage, leading to a possible crash. Furthermore, there are also social benefits and quick visa settlement routes for single mothers, making being a baby-mama very attractive. The single-parent numbers are concerning. 3.2 million lone‑parent families exist in the UK; approximately 85% (2.7 million) are headed by single mothers, while about 477,000 are single‑father households.
Work also weakens the strength of marriages abroad. Couples tend to spend several hours apart. Most women who work long hours in idle settings are vulnerable to having locational feelings for male colleagues. In UK workplaces, there are always credible rumours of staff romance, especially among night shift workers.
Marriage is also expensive. The cost of renting a family house is high. About £800 on average, which is half of the earnings of most people. This does not factor in the cost of feeding, clothing and other bills (council tax, water, power) which cost a fortune. Specifically, a lone parent typically faces the highest cost, around £290,000 up to age 18. Some sources even suggest figures above £400,000, factoring in higher costs like private education and living inflation. The situation is grimmer when weighed against the highly limited economic resources in the UK. This compounds the level of existing frustration in the marriage. The resultant effect is the single-parent debacle.
Most women have come to realise how difficult marriage is. You will hardly see a white woman say “men are scum”. They have come to the brutal realisation that at times, nobody is really at fault. It is not just about the players, it’s the game. Not everybody can withstand the rigours of marriage. After having a kid(s), these women are not open to trying again. They suddenly become open to explorative s*xual experiences with different men.
Recently, I was speaking to a single woman in her 50s. She complained about having a big tummy. I jokingly told her it didn’t matter since she was already getting old after having three grown children. She sharply shut me up and reiterated that she wants to remain attractive to get a man to ‘oil her machine’. That is the UK factor for you.
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Osahon Osayimwen writes from England.
